I don’t how you feel about having never married and never having kids. Except I gather how fond you are of your nieces and nephews, so the next generation is important to you - hence your stellar green credentials.

Most of the things you do talk about are either work/tech related, entertainment or politics - but none of it seems personal. I don't understand you. You are godfather to one of my boys (and you’ve been a much better godfather than I was to any of my godchildren, in terms of remembering birthdays and giving Christmas presents and so on - thank you!) BUT - it's 24 years since that whole “Do you reject Satan” stuff - and we’re probably more strangers now than we were then.

I have no idea how your mind works. For instance - why do you still have all of your late parents’ belongings crammed into your flat? (It’s been decades!)

We don’t really communicate much at all. Feelings, hopes, ideas for the future - all seem to be out of bounds. I know you have some regular routines - a weekly Tai Chi class - and you catch up with your siblings at holiday times, but life is just careering along. And it’s as if you’re waiting for something to happen. Are you hoping for your health to suddenly improve, or for a new love interest to magically appear, or for your parents’ furniture to find a new home for itself? What is it exactly you are waiting for?

Perhaps I felt by asking you to be a godfather, you would develop a bigger social circle. At the christening, you met a friend of my wife who seemed to take to you and we thought everything was coming good. But no, that wasn't to be.

Your choice, not Linda's friend. So, I suppose you felt a few dates were enough. You've been doing your own thing forever, and that's great, as long as it’s brought you happiness.

One thing that must make it harder for us to relate to each other these days is the fact that you spend all your time working - the usual reason given for you being late to anything we get together for - and I don't work at all now.

I am a bit baffled by your dedication to work - because it's not as if it’s your own company. I'm not even sure that you get paid particularly well. It just doesn't seem to be a rewarding way to spend your time - unless you enjoy finding solutions to knotty problems and writing bits of code to fix these glitches? I guess work isn’t only about the paycheck. And I suppose it shows we're very different - you seem to do lots of work hours you don't bill for. Maybe that means there are times you feel you could be more efficient? I’m just trying to understand.

So, is this particular job important to you? Do you really enjoy it? I thoroughly enjoy my volunteering - but I couldn’t do it full time. Perhaps I’m a bit jealous that you still have the concentration and energy required to work at a screen all day.

I just think you could do more with your life if you wanted to. I know that sounds terribly condescending or even manipulative. But I’ve suddenly realised why I’m writing this: I had a bit of a pang of guilt - or maybe just sadness - when I heard about Jim's friend, another man our age, also unmarried, who just didn’t wake up one morning.

It seems he’d been living for his work, having a very quiet social life - perhaps an unnecessarily limited life … I know we can't judge other people's choices. We don't know what's going on. But - it's just I would not like to think you could be in his position - where there didn't seem to be an awful lot of fun or human connection. I know - life can't always be fun. I just hope that our occasional get togethers aren’t the only times you switch off from computing.

Recently, whatever we talk about feels very superficial - like perhaps I don't know you at all. Maybe I just haven't given you enough of a chance. Beer, which I always think of as good medicine and is always part of a night out, usually helps people open up - but it doesn’t seem to have that effect on you.

I'm just back from watching my middle son’s girlfriend run a marathon. She met somebody in the pen before the race began and ran the whole 26 miles with her - talking the whole way. After that one run, those two girls probably know each other better than we know each other after 50+ years.

And I do feel that connections - human connections - are pretty much the most important thing there is. Right now, I just don't feel we’re terribly well connected, given we’ve such a long history.

Maybe we can do something to remedy that. This isn't me trying to say “I think you need to change”. This is me just trying to be open - and admitting that perhaps I’ve not been good enough at encouraging you to talk.

So this is your cue - if there's anything you want to talk about, I’m here to listen.

And the way it works out is: you've had a life.

However long or short, you have had an experience.

Your particular collection of elements and molecules, the things that make you ‘you’ - have been drawn together and you've lived a life.

All the physical stuff has combined to create you: one specific, thinking, feeling version of life.

Hopefully, you've experienced love - and that's the top and bottom of it. Perhaps some people experience more love than others, or maybe some just have more appreciation of it than others.

And of course there are different kinds of love.

But the whole point is, we’re made from stardust which is beautiful and unfathomable really, starting from a tiny, tiny speck which exploded into the universe and all these different elements that formed over time. Miraculously, simple aggregates of matter coalesced into things that could reproduce and eventually things that could think and then ultimately things that can feel emotions and - finally - love.

Image: NASA-JPL/Caltech; image processing by IPAC/Robert Hurt - streams of dust flowing toward the supermassive black hole at the heart of the Andromeda Galaxy

I feel that in the world of living things - all of nature - the highest experience it is possible to have is consciousness. And isn't the ultimate version of consciousness love?

And when it's all done and dusted - when we die - we don't know if there's any consciousness left.

But, if during our time of being conscious, we have experienced love in some form or another, then we've had the highest experience it’s possible to have. And I think that's the closest thing I have to a philosophy.

All the different ways of showing love surround us every day - sometimes, it’s experiencing, or showing, or witnessing just a little bit of kindness.

Being considerate of someone and cutting them a bit of slack if you see they're struggling. Or you help them out in some small way, or you simply don't get in the way of them doing what they feel is important. Or you assist them in doing stuff that they need help with.

To me, all of these show different forms of love.

The Beatles said it best: “All You Need Is Love!”

Perhaps there’s a hierarchy: the romantic love you have for your spouse, the parental love for your children, the camaraderie of friends and siblings. At it’s simplest, it’s wanting good things for other people.

That’s what it's all about, I think.

This probably won't make sense to anybody else. But I see all sorts of behaviour as people trying to show love, even if that’s not the word they might choose. For some people, their love shows as their care for the environment - they go out litter picking. Or they only use public transport - they don't own a car, even though it would be much more convenient for them if they did - they consider all the environmental impacts that they have in their day-to-day living.

That's a kind of love.

I feel that we all have a very deep seated need to experience love in one way or another. Once we’ve been able to show love, or receive it, we’ve fulfilled the purpose our component cosmic parts were put together for.

In particular, I’m thinking about all the exhortations to “Live Life Like You Mean It!” Similar well meaning phrases such as “One Life - Live It” and YOLO! (You Only Live Once) have turned into an absolute bombardment of tweets and bumper stickers recently.

As an extension of this idea, many people have a “bucket list”. This details places to visit and physical challenges to complete or the wish to have lived certain experiences before the inevitable end of their life.

Perhaps you don’t believe there will be an end to your life? You will have some other existence after death? I don’t believe that now, although I did up until my late 20s. I had a pretty strong faith (which kept me out of a lot of mischief I think, so I’m truly grateful for the way I was brought up). Currently, at 63, I’m more accepting of the idea that our consciousness exists only in the one human body we’re born into. But I don’t argue with anyone who insists there is an afterlife - because I just don’t know.

So - back to the bucket list idea, which typically involves a bit of travel. I’d like to take you on a journey - but without a final destination in mind. The journey is to discover one of the most elusive aspects of modern life … which we tend to think of as “happiness”. Although it might have a unique flavour for each of us, there are plenty of components to happiness which we’d all recognise as important. There isn’t a single formula we can adopt to guarantee happiness. What we can do, is remove a lot of misunderstandings about about how humans think and behave. We can untangle confusing beliefs and clear some distortions that might have kept us from seeing what really matters.

[Photo: taken by the author. Paths in the woods = choices to make.]

A lot of happiness reveals itself naturally, once we begin living in a manner which permits the enjoyment of simple pleasures, a deepening of our relationships and gratitude for our good fortune in things big and small.

You can’t force happiness. Precision planning and meticulous attention to detail can’t guarantee how you’re feeling now or going to feel in the future. It’s not the intricate nuts and bolts that create the spectrum of feel good emotions (which include contentment, flow and joy). A large part of the puzzle involves letting go of worries about the future or regret about the past.

Living fully in the present moment is something you can develop, like any skill. Important as it is, it’s only one of the stop-offs on this journey. Being fully immersed in the “here and now” can feel timeless, effortless and is often how we’ll gain breakthroughs in our thinking or understanding.

What might happiness look like for you? Some of the following, perhaps:

• Understanding, and being able to quickly address, your own emotional and physical needs.

• Frequent experiences of the flow state, where you’re fully engaged in the current situation, but oblivious to past pain or concerns for the future.

• A quiet confidence in your ability to tackle anything that crops up in your day to day life.

• A childlike appreciation of the wonders of nature.

• Only very rarely, if ever, experiencing those jarring interruptions to your quieter moments when embarrassing memories flash into your mind.

• Tuning in to the state of mind of those you most care about, able to communicate on a meaningful level, knowing how to contribute to their well being.

If you’re happy, it makes it easier for the people around you to be happy. There’s a ripple effect - you can feel happy for other people’s happiness, as they can for yours.

There are several steps on the road to happiness, some of which might not have occurred to you just yet. A particularly tough idea to get to grips with is accepting how things actually are NOW. This might sound completely backwards if you’re rather unhappy at the moment. But I’m not saying things are set in stone - just that you need to recognise right now, this is the situation. You have to see things as they are - as fully as possible - before you can understand if it’s something you could change. When you see the situation in its entirety, you might realise it’s outside of your power to change it. Acceptance isn’t easy … and sometimes it may involve a process of reframing how you interpret things.

Because there is only one thing you’ll always have control of, and even then, it’s only if you consciously decide to: how you look at things.

Perhaps the biggest single part of growing into a contented existence is to make the decision that you are in sole charge of your world view. And that world view will mould your future. It’s a very different approach to “just getting through” whatever life throws at you. This decision is the point when you determine whatever time you have left isn’t going to just dribble away - you are going to live the life you want.

Have you ever allowed yourself the luxury of a daydreaming session where you let your imagination show you various possibilities of how your life could be in the future? Perhaps today you’ll have an opportunity to make time for that.

The life you want will probably be vastly different from my own “want”, but I wish you well with it and hope to offer some practically useful insights as to how you might achieve it in forthcoming articles.

It’s a big thing, I know, asking you to hit the subscribe button. After all, the idea of another email landing in your inbox mightn’t be the most exciting thing in your world right now.

For me, though, it would be exciting to see your name on my subscription list - and that would encourage me to get better at writing. Fingers crossed you’ll find something in future posts that you’ll find interesting, useful or funny.

Subscribe now

Viktor E. Frankl’s book "Man's Search for Meaning” covers his experience in WW2 concentration camps and his observations around survival and suffering.

Some prisoners were able to endure the horrors of the camps because they could find meaning in their suffering. Those with a reason to live (perhaps hoping to reunite with loved ones) were more likely to survive the ordeal.

Frankl noted psychological phases prisoners went through: shock on arrival; apathy and emotional death as camp life progressed; and finally, reorientation and adjustment after liberation. The reaction to freedom he details gives, perhaps, the most surprising insight: Not the instant joy one might expect - more a process of disbelief gradually waning. The need to talk incessantly. The ravenous appetite. A slow progress which only began days after liberation and continued “until I again became a human being.”

Despite dehumanising conditions, Frankl observed prisoners who retained or regained their dignity, often through acts of kindness or during spiritual or intellectual pursuits.

Frankl developed "therapy through meaning.” which he called logotherapy:

the theory that humans are motivated more by the search for meaning, than pleasure or power.

Even in indescribably awful circumstances, individuals are able to choose their attitude towards their situation.

Frankl believed that suffering can have meaning if it leads to personal growth, insight, or contributes to a greater good.

Meaning is found through:

Work: doing something significant or creating something lasting.

Love: an extraordinary experience or relationship which shifts focus externally.

Suffering: when everything and everyone is taken away, meaning can still be found in how one bears suffering.

Logotherapy isn't about tackling neuroses directly. It’s a way of helping patients find meaning in their lives, leading to psychological health.

Now, although the book didn’t say this directly, my takeaway is that the human mind is more powerful than we know - we just need to direct our thoughts outside of ourselves, towards what we see as our mission in life. Working on our mission is what makes for a fulfilling life.

The last chapter of the book is based on a lecture Frankl gave in 1983 and the last few lines are a siren call:

“… the world is in a bad state, but everything will become still worse unless each of us does his best. So, let us be alert - alert in a twofold sense:
Since Auschwitz we know what man is capable of.

And since Hiroshima we know what is at stake.”

I know I must cut an odd figure - I’m probably too old and heavy to be running, truth be told.

My Tee shirts carry a variety of slogans (this one, I think, was “I’M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIrT”, but my favourite has a picture of a huge teapot, emblazoned with “Surviving - from one cuppa to the next”). So, my silly appearance on it’s own is often enough to provoke a smile from the people walking towards me. If they’re still looking a bit glum as I approach, I’ll usually offer some inane comment about the weather, or maybe their dog, or the daffodils starting to appear. If anyone looks like they want to chat, I’m happy to stop (it’s not like I’m training for anything, after all).

But this one chap, who had seemed to be scowling at the ground, beat me to it - he looked up, locked eyes with me, smiled and said “How’s it going?”

My autoresponder kicked in with “Great, thanks, great!” - and straight away, I did feel great. I had a burst of energy from somewhere - and even a day later, I’m not sure I understand it. I think it might’ve been how his face transformed - such a smile! Or perhaps it was my reply, which has been a reflex for years, ever since listening to an Ed Foreman cassette tape.

Ed’s advice was “Anytime anyone ever asks you how you are, you reply “TERRIFIC” - even if you have to say it through gritted teeth!” Now, the word ‘terrific’ just doesn’t roll off my tongue too easily, which is why I settled for “great” a good few years ago.

Whatever the cause, the upsurge in my energy and mood made running the last mile home feel completely effortless. And today, my cold, along with the cough, sore throat and catarrh is pretty much (finally!) sorted.

Perhaps contributing to someone else’s smile is more powerful medicine than we give it credit for?

Or perhaps we need to remind ourselves sometimes, that if we broadcast a little positivity, a bit of it might just bounce back towards us.

Sleep is the most natural thing in the world – so why do we find it elusive sometimes? You know you want to sleep, but something is getting in the way.

Any one of the simple suggestions that follow will allow you to fall asleep by simply taking away any feeling of struggle.

I just want to solve this particular problem for you:

“How can I get to sleep when I feel wide awake but I know that if I don’t drop off RIGHT NOW, I won’t get the best out of tomorrow?”

Some basic, obvious stuff you probably already know:

Laying the groundwork as briefly as possible, sleep can be made easier by:

Exposing yourself to bright sunlight in the morning;

Exercising during the day (but not too close to bedtime);

Having a quiet bedroom (earplugs are available!);

Keeping the lights dim or off (eye masks are an option);

Minimizing the chances of being disturbed (a closed/locked door, phone switched off, everyone else at home knows you’ve gone to bed and expect to be left in peace);

Confidence that your alarm will reliably wake you at the right time (preferably a dedicated alarm, not your mobile phone);

Avoiding a full bladder just before bed (drinking lots of fluids just before going to sleep may wake you during the night for a trip to the bathroom);

A comfortable bed;

Finally and most importantly - a quiet, relaxed mind … which is what we are aiming for here.

There is a little preparation before you turn the light out, but only a few very simple steps. Using pen and paper, write down any stuff that you didn’t get round to today, that you now plan to do tomorrow instead. Just brief notes – not big explanations. And keep the notepad and pen by the bed, just in case you do wake in the night and have any kind of idea which you want to be sure not to forget by the morning.

AND SO, TO BED

So now we’re thinking ahead to when you’re lying down, as many as possible of the outside distractions have been taken care of - and its just you, in the dark, waiting for sleep to come.

1. This first suggestion is perhaps the craziest - to imagine the voice of James T. Kirk at the start of an episode of the original (and best!) 1960’s Star Trek. In your best impersonation of his voice, you hear (in the privacy of your head): “Sleep – the final frontier. This is the addiction of the human condition. Tonight’s mission is to go to bed, to put the day behind me and switch off – like every other man has done before.” If you just can’t conjure up Kirk’s dulcet tones, YouTube has the original soundtrack here. (I don’t recommend clicking the link while you’re trying to nod off – the noise of the spaceship shooting past as well as the music is all a bit too rousing for last thing at night.)

2. That first distraction should’ve served to take your mind off any pressing problem and now it’s time to create some inner coziness. Counting sheep isn’t a great idea, but counting blessings certainly works - I’d like you to think of three things which happened today for which you feel grateful. Then, think of three things you did today which you feel glad about. Feel the gratitude, feel the gladness and just bask in that for a little while. And don’t forget to smile! No-one can see you, it’s dark 😉

3. If your mind is still straying towards stuff that you find stressful – take a moment to turn your worries on their head. By this, I mean you ask yourself the question “Is this what I want to happen?” and if the answer is “no”, you picture instead what the best possible outcome for that situation could be. Now enjoy the image of yourself relaxing, savouring the resolution of the problem.

4. There’s a technique I like to call “summon your allies” and it consists of imagining close friends or relatives standing around your bed as you fall asleep. You might choose nearly-forgotten figures from your childhood (and this is all very childish, I know – probably akin to a young child being told that their guardian angel is keeping them safe through the night) – but it allows your mind to drift into thinking about who you might want to gather around you. These are people who you know are on your side – no matter what. You’ll be thinking of why they are (or were) important to you, perhaps why you felt fortunate for their past kindnesses, how comfortable you feel in their presence. Feeling safe and secure is a great way to drift off to sleep.

5. Meditating and sleeping are not the same thing (Duh! I hear you say). However, the relaxation phase of preparing for either has useful parallels. This bedtime routine is not about to give away the “secrets” of Transcendental Meditation, just some of the flavour. Firstly, get comfy. (I was told not to be too comfortable when I was learning to meditate, in case I would end up in a deep sleep … but that’s exactly what we’re aiming for here.) It’s a simple process of slowly repeating a mantra. A nonsense word helps avoid overthinking. Try “kerringg”, for example. Slowly repeat it in time with your outbreaths. That’s it. Just hear yourself repeat your mantra in your head, slow your breathing, slow the mantra to match ….

6. Another mind game you might like to try is imagining yourself gently drifting out of your window, down your street, looking with a bird’s eye view at the quietness and stillness around the neighbourhood. You effortlessly and aimlessly glide about, maybe at rooftop height or all the way down to your normal eye level. And you see that the world is ticking along quite nicely without you having to take any sort of control … and if you want, you can gently return home, see yourself settled in bed, dropping off to sleep.

7. A variation on this is mentally visiting your “peaceful place”. This can be anywhere you’ve ever been – recently or many years ago. Anywhere, in fact that you’ve felt happy or relaxed, caught up in the beauty of the scenery or in any other way feeling comfortable and at home. Perhaps imagining warm sunshine on your skin, hearing the gentle lapping of waves on the beach. The picture in your head is just to bring back the powerful sense of relaxation – that all is well in this safe place, where you can completely let go …

8. A purely physical relaxation:

Place one hand on your stomach. Then breathe in through your nose and feel the hand on your stomach rising. Now breathe out through your mouth, squeezing the air out by gently contracting your tummy muscles. You’ll feel the hand on your stomach move in as you exhale. Count on the outbreath, deliberately stretching the time to help slow your breathing.

9. Try this “scan” of your body:

Lying on your back with your legs uncrossed and arms relaxed at your sides, direct your attention to your breathing. After a minute or so, start to think about the toes on your right foot. If you feel any tightness, maybe a little wiggle will allow the area to relax. Then start to concentrate on the sole of your right foot. Let any uncomfortable sensations there ease off either with a slight repositioning or just by deliberately relaxing the area. Take your thoughts to your right ankle and go through the same routine – whatever little adjustments are required, allow each part of your body to relax, moving up your calf, knee, thigh, hip, and then over to your left leg, again working up from the toes. Next, think your way up your torso, through your lower back and tummy, your upper back and chest, your shoulders and into your neck. Quite often, if done slowly enough, this can produce a very pleasant tingling sensation in the tips of the ears and the top of the head, just before sleep overwhelms you.

10. Worry worms can wait

Worry isn’t about the moment we’re in right now. It’s about remembering something you’d rather forget, or concern about something that might happen in the future. Right here, as you fall asleep, safe in bed – this is not the place for anything other than appreciating the moment. The warmth, the comfort, the feeling that you’ve done your bit today and you deserve to rest – so rest.

11. Play a “highlight reel” of today’s best bits.

Remember every little kindness that you were shown today. Say a mental “thank you” to anyone who showed a little extra courtesy or even just shared a smile. The world is full of people who are not only willing but keen to help your day run a little smoother - the motorist who waved you in front, the exiting customer who held the door open for you as you went into the store. Enjoy recalling the simple pleasantries that have happened today and savour them as you fall asleep.

If your highlights of the day are a little on the negative side – here’s the thing. Just let go of grudges. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and others for theirs. Put the kindest interpretation that you can on anything that you found less than ideal today. Let things go. Feel the weight lift away, safe in the knowledge you no longer have to shoulder that burden. It’s done. You can move on. And you can sleep.

12. Park all your stressors

If you’re having a hard time letting go of some niggle or other, use your mind’s eye to load up all these things into boxes large and small, representative of the problems they contain, then throw them all onto the back of a car. Take the car for a drive to the edge of town. Get yourself a taxi home and feel the increasing distance between you and those worries make them seem smaller and less and less significant. Tell yourself you can always go back for them sometime if needs be – but not now. Now is the time for sleep.

Don’t think of sleep as something that gets in the way of you getting stuff done. Sleep is essential. Some high achievers claim “I only need four hours sleep a night” as a real badge of honour. I’m convinced this, in the long term, is simply not a good thing.

Sir Philip Sidney called sleep "the certain knot of peace … the balm of woe, the poor man's wealth, the prisoner's release".

Sleeping isn’t an indulgence or a weakness – it is absolutely necessary, for you to be able to function at your highest level. And sleep is inevitable. No matter if you tried your hardest never to sleep, sleep would eventually come.

All these hints and musings are simply to get you to fall asleep a little sooner than you might otherwise. Best of luck!

Re-connecting in a way that matters, maybe after a long period of silence.

Telling someone “thank you” - and why.

Asking for forgiveness, perhaps.

Or telling someone that you’ve forgiven them, if there ever was anything to forgive in the first place.

It’s probably one of the most liberating things you can do.

I have a counselling role in a hospice and sometimes, as people approach the end of their life, they tell me things they wish they hadn’t left unsaid to their loved ones.

I sometimes role-play for the person they wished they’d spoken to, if that person is no longer here. But it’s far better not to leave it that late in the day - you can just pick up the phone or write that letter.

All this is stuff you need to think about now - because when you go, you’re gone. If you'd thought you would have a deathbed reconciliation with all these people who you've meant to say something to down the years, but then today, you die in a road traffic accident… Well, it is too late then, isn't it?

You've got to do it while you can. And the thing is, if you do it and you reconcile with people, you then have whatever's left in your life to enjoy a better relationship with them.

So why would you want to leave it until the very end? Because then you won't have time to reap the benefits of that better relationship.

It's not just getting stuff off your chest. It's making a better future for however long you have. Some people live to a hundred, some people don't even make it to 50. We just don't know, do we?

None of us know. It’s a sobering thought.

Today is the last day in December, the end of the year - it can feel like things are drawing to a close. In the way all our lives will one day draw to a close.

It feels like a particularly good day to reach out, tell someone why they matter to you - and perhaps forge a better relationship as we move in to 2025.

It’s understanding how to activate the powerful alpha level in your subconscious.

The latent power of your mind then “autopilots” you towards doing what you need to do, to achieve what you want.

Going rapidly down from about 7 to 4 brainwave cycles per second gets into the deeper level of our subconscious where there is no awareness of time or space - it’s the ‘dream area”. At this level, your subconscious accepts any message you create for it.

Dreams seem so real because there’s no judgement involved - our subconscious will accept any message, however absurd, as true.

Accessing the “dream area” isn’t as difficult as you might think:

Without resorting to a hypnotist, you have two opportunities every day when your subconscious is easy to access and most open to suggestion. These are the times to program it with your most important goals:

Just before sleep, and immediately on waking.

When you go to sleep at night and you’re going down to that alpha level - think about the good things in your life and feel grateful for them - this sets you up to wake in a positive mindset, ready to enjoy the day ahead.

If the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning is to read or listen to a good positive uplifting message, you're putting ideas of what’s possible into your mind.

The combination of a positive mental attitude and possibility thinking nudges you towards seeing the opportunities that surround you every day.

Let me give you a list of some phrases to choose from. Pick a few, say them to yourself every night and morning for the next thirty days - and I’m willing to bet that you’ll see a significant improvement in your life before that month is over.

The timing is important - just before sleep and first thing on waking are the times we are most easily able to communicate with our subconscious mind. The subconscious isn’t judgemental - it just believes what it’s told and sets about making that a reality.

Tell your subconscious what you want your life to be like, and it will soon nudge you in that direction. Sounds woo-woo, I know … but I urge you to try it.

Here are some simple affirmations for you to adapt to suit yourself:

Say each of them slowly, like you mean it!

I like myself. I feel good about my life - my present and my future.

I can achieve anything I want to.

The whole world of opportunity is open to me.

I have a positive mental attitude about everything, every circumstance and everybody.

I can overcome any challenge through my positive, constructive approach and calmness.

Every day I am becoming more positive. I am eliminating negative thoughts and feelings.

I dwell on the present and the future, rather than the past.

I put the best connotation on every thing and every person.

I expect things to work out successfully and right — and they do!

I lead a charmed life: I’m the luckiest person I know and I count my blessings every day.

I look for the fun in every situation and I find myself laughing easily.

I enjoy myself and make the most of every day.

I am a warm, friendly, well-liked person.

I'm honest and ethical - the kind of person I would choose to have for a friend, spouse, employer or employee — thoughtful, courteous and dependable.

I am pleasant to and with other people.

My success is assured and doesn't require me to take advantage of anyone else.

I successfully sell myself and my services.

I am composed and confident in every situation I come to.

I'm totally relaxed and at ease when meeting new people or speaking in public.

I am highly intelligent and keenly perceptive.

I am in touch with my emotions and can express my happiness fully, or mask any disappointment completely.

I think quickly on my feet and am a shrewd negotiator.

I remain icy cool and calm, no matter how much pressure I come under and always know what to do and say next.

My mind is precious to me - I feed it inspirational and motivational material and keep it free from worry and stress.

I dwell on what I want to happen, not on what I don't want to happen.

I continue to educate myself on a daily basis, always alert to new ideas.

I know that improving my thoughts is the best way to improve my life: what I think about, I become.

My body is precious to me - I eat right and I eat light every day.

I eat only when I'm hungry - good, wholesome food only - and I stop eating at 8pm. I exercise every day, both aerobic and stretching.

I am strong, fit and in perfect health - able to tackle any physical or mental challenge I encounter today.

I have limitless reserves of strength, endurance and courage.

My body is a fortress, my immune system is invincible.

I recover quickly from injury and crush disease and infection.

My entire mind and body are in balance: I sleep comfortably, peacefully and soundly every night.

I am happy and healthy, fully alive and alert - I feel great!

I think young and I act young.

I do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done.

I have absolute belief in my ability to succeed.

This is made manifest in everything I say and do.

I set goals and accomplish them.

Every day I repeat my goals.

Repeating my goals brings me closer to achieving them.

Looking for some scripted goals?

You can try these, but creating your own would be even better!

“I see myself enjoying my ideal bodyweight of …lbs”

“I see myself enjoying the completion of a Park Run in … minutes”

Good luck with the goal setting - and please let me know how you get on!

But, we all have at least a little bit of time. For instance, barring something unforeseeable, we’re all expecting to have tea this afternoon.

There might not be time to make everything neat and tidy, but there are a few things we can do. The practical stuff - wills, funeral planning.

Perhaps what’s more important is making peace.

It’s great if there’s no one you need to reconcile with.

But there may be things you’ve left unsaid over the years.

Perhaps you’ve never been as open as you would have liked, with the people closest to you?

If there are things you need to express, think about either picking up the phone, creating a voice note or just writing a good, old fashioned letter.

You can write a letter to anyone. And you don’t have to post it.

I wrote a letter to my dad, 12 years after he died.

When we talk about making peace, well, usually we mean making peace with another person.

But what I want for each of you is just to have peace of mind.

That can come from feeling that you’ve said all the things you wanted to, to the people who needed to hear it.

It might be as simple as reminiscing, saying

“I remember when…”

Or “it was so great to share that time with you”

Perhaps, when we’re looking back, we’ll be mourning the loss of the things we used to be able to do, that just aren’t options anymore.

We’re not well enough to travel, or we’re too breathless to get out into nature for a walk.

But anything about our past lives we’re grieving for, shows we must’ve had some good times.

Being grateful for the good experiences we’ve had, rather than mourn the fact that they are now in the past is a mind trick some people can master easily. For others, it’s not so easy, but it’s worth trying.

We can think of the happiest memory we have from childhood, our best friend from primary school, friends from work, places we’ve seen, glorious sunny days on holiday - these memories are all resources we can use to remind ourselves of the good times.

We can replay those happy memories in the same way as people used to take a look back at their wedding video or their holiday snaps.

We can bring those thoughts to life again and, if the idea of letter writing doesn’t feel right, then just in your mind’s eye, you can tell those people what they meant to you, how your life was made better through them being around.

That’s one way to say what you’ve wanted to say, to the people closest to you. I hope it helps, in the same way as the letter to my dad helped me.

If it’s a work-related thing that keeps us glued to a keyboard, it’s possible that all perspective is lost and all we can see is the list of tasks.  We forget to prioritise and even lose sight of the fact that sometimes, things change in such a way that what we see as our “vital” input has suddenly become redundant, regardless of the amount of time and effort we’d put in.

Often, a walk outside clears the mind and when we return to the task it seems more manageable.

Spending time in nature gives us much more than fresh air and a different view - it helps order things in our minds so that trivial things are filtered out and we can see what really needs attention.

Getting away from the computer or whatever work we’re doing, leaving the house or office and just taking a walk can improve our mood, switch off a cycle of negative thoughts and provide much needed perspective.

Outdoor exercise (yes, even just walking counts as exercise) has a great tendency to lift the spirits and reduce anxiety.  Being in nature (“forest bathing”) seems particularly powerful, but even walking through a city can give the reset we need when we’re stuck in a negative thought cycle or feeling overwhelmed.

Becoming aware of the natural world around us creates a calmer mental environment and generally pushes us towards a more positive outlook.

The beneficial effects of a walk in the woods don’t take long to kick in.

Even a few minutes is valuable but a half-hour is ideal - the best balance between the time it takes and the overall improvements you’ll see.

So - how’s about getting your boots on and heading out for thirty minutes or so?

And it’s not just modern tech such as screens that’s keeping our brains on high alert.

It takes a huge subconscious effort just to process the countless numbers of faces we see whenever we leave our homes.

For thousands of years we lived in small tribes.

We recognised and knew all the people in our local vicinity.

Modern city living is very different.

We can see hundreds or even thousands of faces every day.

We’re constantly scanning for familiar faces, or for expressions that tell us these are people that we need to acknowledge - or avoid.

And that’s on top of just getting through our day-to-day stuff - commuting to work, grinding through the schedule, sorting lunch, tying up all the loose ends to leave the office at a reasonable time - then the journey home, through throngs of people all trying to do the same thing.

It sounds exhausting - because it is!

Here are a few ways to dial down the busy-ness:

Say “no” more often.

Of course it’s nice to help out our co-workers when we can - but we can’t do their jobs for them.

An unreasonable request for your time when you are already busy is a burden you can do without.

If the “request” comes from a boss, it’s ok to say “I can do that, but only if I sideline this other thing” - let them pick the more important use of your limited time.

Master the art of “Smart Brevity” - conciseness is a skill you can learn and it’s definitely a timesaver.  It takes a little time to learn but (just like stacking a new dishwasher), once you’ve gone through the process a few times, it pays you back handsomely.

For your morning commute - leave a little earlier than strictly necessary.

Yes, this means getting up a bit earlier in the morning - this is the best time saver of all.

Get. Up. Early.

Use any spare time at your destination for a little breather or extra prep time before the working day starts.

Sometimes delaying the start of the journey home doesn’t make that much difference to the time of actually getting home, if the traffic has cleared a bit.  A bit of time decompressing before the journey home can release a lot of tension.  Or alternatively, if you’ve managed an early start in the morning by avoiding the rush and arrived at work well ahead of schedule, you can often justify an early finish - which again, might spare you from the worst of the rush hour.  It’s worth playing with.

Prioritise what you need to know and look out specifically for what you want to know.  Don’t be a passive consumer of doom and gloom from the headlines that are broadcast on the hour.

Choose to avoid the news - if there are any world changing events, you will hear about them - someone will fill you in!

You don’t need to know everything that’s going on in the world.  Being a cynic for just a moment - first of all, you can’t know everything! and second of all, you’re still just finding out what that particular broadcaster wants to tell you  - or that particular newspaper, or commentator.  However much information you consume, you will still be missing someone’s (possibly highly informed but maybe contrarian) viewpoint.

You can only be as well informed as the sources that you choose.

Choose wisely! (and widely, from a variety of opinions, to avoid a siloed viewpoint).

A significant way to protect your brain or at least your psyche, is to try to adopt this idea:  you don’t have to have an opinion on everything.

You can take the mental viewpoint “isn’t that interesting!” without having to choose where you stand on a particular issue.  And if pressed, it’s often most honest to say - “I have a knee-jerk feeling about this, but I just don’t know enough about it to debate it with you.”

Trying to hark back to our early ancestry, when we knew nothing of the world beyond our tribe, tying to understand and deal with stuff relating only to people you have personal contact with saves a huge amount of brainpower.

You can’t do much to influence what’s happening around the globe, but you can choose how you deal with everyone you meet today - you can smile at them, you can be pleasant with them, you can be encouraging, you can lend a helping hand.

If you want to get involved in politics, (if it’s your career) that’s a different matter but in general, we’re most effective when our efforts are directed towards the people that we meet on an individual basis.

It’s not possible to help everyone, but we can be kind to the people we meet personally and that makes for a clear conscience and a good night’s sleep.

When you feel the need to reach for an easy distraction like a coffee, perhaps you’re really looking for a “pause button” to let your mind catch up with all the busy-ness around you.

It’s good to be busy - but, some balance is essential.

The risk is, you might become more of a “human do-ing” than a “human being” - and lose a sense of who you are and what you want.

But if your response to feeling frazzled is to lose yourself in some mindless scrolling, you aren’t reducing the stress, just avoiding it briefly.

To actually reduce the sense of stress, you need to do that hardest of things - THINK.

In the absence of a well-meaning friend who knows all the right questions to ask, here are a few that you can ask yourself:

What do you want to do?

What’s stopping you doing this?

What is the one thing you would most like to change?

If things don’t change, how will this affect you day to day?

What’s happened to make you feel that change is necessary?

How do you feel about the future?

What is the most difficult part of the change you want to make?

What’s likely to happen if you don’t do anything to change?

How do you feel about what you’ll need to do to achieve your aim?

If you could change one thing right now, what would that be?

Right now, what’s the most important thing you could do to help yourself?

And … do you feel you can actually do it?

What options do you have right now and how soon can you create other options by building step by step?

Skimming the above 13 questions can be done in mere seconds … but just spending a few moments asking yourself even a couple of them could be time well spent.

Identify a problem and you’re part way to overcoming it.  Perhaps gaining a bit more insight will move you to a place where you can feel a bit more optimistic about your future.

Even understanding a little bit of why you’re feeling unsettled is a big deal.  A small step, but you’ll soon be ready for the next one.

A couple of decade ago I was a practicing optometrist with a bit of a dilemma.

I’d examined several patients who’d had what I thought was unnecessary cataract surgery.

This was being provided on a private basis (for £2,000), at a time when the identical NHS operation was available at no charge to the patient and without an inordinate wait.

There was just one surgeon involved.

His modus operandi was to recruit his patients from his routine NHS eye clinics.  These were people attending for watery eyes, routine glaucoma check ups, droopy eyelids and the like.

During the course of the examination he would comment on their “cataract”.

[A cataract is a loss of transparency of the eyes’s natural lens.  This lens sits just behind the pupil and naturally clouds up a bit as we age.]

Now, to be fair, you can find a little bit of cataract in pretty much any eye over the age of 50, if you look hard enough.

There is a debate though - is it really a cataract, if there’s just some reduction in the clarity of the lens?  Or can you really only class it as a genuine “cataract” if the patient’s vision is compromised?

In any event, this surgeon would criticise these people’s eye care up until that point with comments like “it’s very poor that your optometrist hasn’t told you about this” and then go on to tell them how “serious” a condition it was.

Next came the somewhat overblown lament that sadly, the state of the NHS means it would be a very long time before it could be attended to…  unless, of course, they would be prepared to “go private”.

There was nothing illegal in what he was doing - people were perhaps being encouraged to have a cataract operation earlier than they needed it, at a cost they could have avoided if they’d waited until there was enough cataract for the NHS to offer surgery.  And, after all, most people will need a cataract operation eventually.

But he definitely wasn’t producing the best possible results - and that’s what really bothered me.  Sometimes, people really weren’t seeing any better.  Often, they required more complicated spectacles and/or had more problems with glare than before the operation.  There were improvements too, though - which the patients would see as justifying their decision to go ahead.  Things appeared brighter (because a clear plastic lens implant is more transparent than the natural crystalline lens of anyone over the age of say 45).  For the same reason, pretty much any post-op cataract patient comments on how colours seem more vivid.

There are rare times when a cataract requires prompt attention - if it’s becoming hyper mature, or if there is a concern the view of the retina may soon not be good enough to monitor another condition (diabetic retinopathy, for instance). But these arguments didn’t apply to the patients of this surgeon that I’d seen.

There are other, incidental potential benefits of cataract surgery:

• Removing the natural lens and replacing it with a smaller plastic one creates a wider anterior chamber (the iris has space to settle further away from the back surface of the cornea). This pretty much eliminates the risk of angle closure glaucoma (an emergency condition where the eye pressure becomes so high that the vision can be permanently damaged within a day.  But it’s rare in Caucasians, who composed >95% of the local population and all of these patients).

• Post-operatively, intraocular pressures are reduced by an average of about 4mmHg - so someone borderline for glaucoma may not go on to develop the condition.

These potential benefits were not, though, enough to outweigh my thinking that this chap was purely in it for the money.

So - I wrote a pamphlet to better inform people about the pros and cons of cataract surgery, under a pseudonym.  The viewpoint was that of a potential patient who’s been made aware he has a bit of cataract and what he’d discovered about the condition.  

It was principally for me to print out and hand to people who I knew might cross paths with this particular surgeon but I also left a copy in the waiting room for anyone to read.

The general thrust was “early stage cataracts aren’t such a big deal and usually there’s no rush about surgery”.  And I pointed out there is always a small risk of visual loss with cataract surgery.  It’s only about 1 in 1,000, but still, losing an eye to an unnecessary operation is a big deal.

In an attempt to demystify the condition, I called it “The Good News About Cataracts” and when I exhausted my printer ink and a couple of reams of paper, decided to put it up on Amazon Kindle where it’s stayed ever since.

The surgeon’s little racket didn’t last too long - within a year or so of me becoming aware of the situation, the hospital administrators realised he’d been using the theatre for private work, without paying the appropriate fees.  He was suspended, the case rumbled on for a few years and he was eventually found guilty of dishonesty and gross misconduct and lost his job.

So - was this a potential whistleblowing situation?

At the time, I wondered if I should I have tackled this man directly, or perhaps written to the hospital authorities.

After all, these “earlier than necessary” cataract operations were an open secret amongst the local optical community.  As part of any non-cataract referral to that hospital, I’d routinely warn my patients that they may be offered cataract surgery, but that wasn’t why I was sending them to the clinic, and there was no rush about even thinking about their cataracts yet.

There’s a definite hierarchy such that an eye surgeon’s diagnosis of cataract requiring surgery would carry much more weight than an optometrist’s opposing view. If I’d been specific about the exact nature of my concerns, perhaps I’d have been criticised as crossing the usual professional boundaries or perhaps even just personally disliking the man I was critical of.

So - I opted for a sort of middle ground, raising awareness of the nature of cataract and allowing patients to make a more informed choice, such that if the topic was raised with them, they wouldn’t be panicked into surgery.

A typical Wednesday morning - up at five to five to get a couple of cups of coffee, 5mg creatine, 75mg Aspirin and a supermarket version of Berocca (an effervescent vitamin and mineral supplement).

A half-hour drive to the gym for a HIIT class at 6, a bit more cardio (and sweating!) than usual, but pretty much a standard class.  The drive home was ok (calling in at the supermarket for some yoghurt and “protein bread”, then I disconnected my son’s car from it’s trickle charge in anticipation of getting it to the garage.  The trickle charge had done it’s thing (the power steering warning light has gone off, indicating it was probably a battery problem rather than a genuine steering problem). So, no more driving required.  Just as well.  I’m suddenly aware of a blank patch to the top left of my vision.  No floaters, thank goodness.  Then I see a bright, shimmering arc at the edge of the blank patch, which enlarges and slowly slips downward, expanding as it does.  There’s no pain, no panic - just fascination, really.  I’ve heard patients describe these things and wonder will it progress to a full-blown migraine with crushing headache, sickness and so on … but so far it’s all visual.  Wondering what I can do to calm things down, I put the kettle on and raid the fridge.  Cuppa tea and half a quiche and I’m thinking that maybe my vision is beginning to settle.  Less brightness over the the left side and maybe the blank spot is shrinking?  Can’t be sure, but I know I’m still not fit to drive.  Thinking maybe I’ll lie down for a bit.  Make the mistake of picking up something off the floor and as I stand, the full hit of a zig-zag silver flashing semi circle over to my left makes me realise that this thing is far from resolved.  Still no floaters (yay!) and just the beginnings of a headache to my left side right at the back.  As the headache kicks in, I realise the visual aura is fading again.  My left eye is definitely duller than the right, but the lack of floaters keeps me confident there’s no retinal tear or detachment to worry about.

So all the above was written as the aura was developing.  It’s taken 48 hours for me to feel reasonably normal. The headache still hasn’t quite gone, but the vision is ok and I’m not feeling spaced out today.  Two days pretty much written off.  I keep telling myself “thank god I didn’t start with migraine years ago, when I had a full time job and a boss to answer to’.  My wife had migraines for many years, up until she had surgery to repair a hole in her heart (following a mini stroke).  No migraines for a decade afterwards … which made me wonder at the time - were her visual disturbances etc genuinely just migraines … but we’ll never know, I suppose.

Today, it just feels great to be able to get on with stuff - including this very self-indulgent piece of writing.  Thanks for sticking with me thus far.

Any lessons I’m trying to pass on here?

Just that staying calm has to be the most important thing.  I’ve spoken to someone today who’s similar experience of disturbed vision cost them a day in A&E.  Having phoned their surgery, a panicked receptionist had told them to go to hospital “just to be on the safe side”.  After a basic check for signs of stroke, the triage nurse listed them as being a low priority at the hospital emergency department. Fast forward through 8 hours of hanging around and there was finally a brief eye examination - after the vision had resolved.  Discharged with no definite diagnosis at the end, just “probably a migraine”.

If there had been floaters in my vision, or the patch of lost vision was only in one eye, I’d have been getting an optometrist’s advice to check for retinal damage very promptly.

And without the headache, I might’ve been more thorough in checking myself for evidence of stroke (weakness on one side, slurred speech etc).  But as things are right now, it looks like my decision to just sleep it off was the best choice I could have made.

Migraine is certainly no joke, but I’m happy with the idea that it’s just a one-off. I can’t think of anything specific that sparked it off, so I’m just planning to carry on as usual. If it becomes a regular thing, then I’ll do what all migraine sufferers are advised to do - keep a diary and look for potential triggers.

I’m a retired optometrist and there are some simple things I often wished people did before visiting the practice for an eye examination.

I’ve lost count of the number of times a patient arrived for a test, oblivious to the fact that one of their eyes has already failed significantly. As soon as the remaining good eye is covered, the problem is revealed.

Unfortunately, examination sometimes then shows it’s a problem that’s well past the easy stage of treatment.

So - here’s a simple guide to help you identify uncommon (but potentially huge) eye problems at the earliest possible stage. Please take a moment to check your vision now - these tests are very quick and easy to do.

1. Just cover up each eye in turn (use your your hand - couldn’t be simpler) - and look out the window. Pay attention to the view - cars on the street, buildings across the road … Then swap to covering the other eye. Do you get the same vision from your right and left eyes? Unless you’re already aware of a long term reason why one eye is significantly poorer than the other, if you feel one is is well below your normal level of vision, you need to book that eye test as a priority. Otherwise, if you think yep, both are pretty similar … that’s a great start!

2. Next (as before, one eye at a time) look at the frame of the window - is it straight? If there are waves or kinks that follow your gaze as you glance from top to bottom, that needs a prompt investigation (unless you know this hasn’t changed since your last eye examination).

3. Does either eye seem to have bits of debris floating about? A few little specs would be normal for most people - but the thing is, is this something new to you? Sudden onset new floaters are not to be ignored - and you know what I’m going to say next - see your optometrist ASAP!

4. Check how your reading is - again, comparing one eye to the other - all good there?

5. Checking your side vision is similarly easy - pretty much as when checking your vision for detail, close or cover one eye. This time, look straight ahead and stretch your arm out - use your thumb to explore the limits of your vision off to the side, high up and low down, just by waggling your thumb around while you keep staring straight ahead.

Again, you’d expect both eyes to have similar (mirror) fields of view, unless you already know a reason why one is letting you down. If there’s an obvious patch missing from the vision of one eye compared to the other - guess what - that’s another reason to get an urgent check.

[The only exception to this is if you've happened to find your natural blind spot - and well done if you have, it means you’ve performed a pretty detailed examination of your visual field! For the right eye, your natural blind spot is to the right hand side of the thing you're fixing your gaze on, about one fifth of the way out to the limit of your vision. It covers about 2-3x the size of your thumb, when your arm is outstretched. As you'd expect, the left eye's blind spot is a mirror of the right. These natural blind spots (just the one in each eye) are normal, but cool to find - you see your thumb partially disappear as it moves into that area - as long as you can keep your eye steady enough!]

If you’ve passed these few simple test for detail, peripheral vision and distortion - CONGRATULATIONS! Just don’t think you’ve got an excuse to avoid your routine exam!

Everyone should have a check at least every alternate year - and more frequently if there’s any eye disease in your family (like glaucoma) or if your health puts you at greater risk of eye problems (things like diabetes or poorly controlled high blood pressure).

So - now I’ve hammered home the message about having your eyes tested regularly, here are some other things I’d like you to consider:

Before attending an optometrist’s clinic, even for just a routine scheduled appointment, just take a moment’s pause for thought:

Are your eyes feeling OK? Dry eyes can be pretty uncomfortable with a range of symptoms from burning to itching. This is well worth mentioning as your optometrist can check to see if you might benefit from eyedrops / warm compress therapy / lid massage.

Do you ever see a ring around oncoming headlamps? Or any other sort of weird haloes in your vision? This again is something to tell your optometrist about.

Have you seen flashes of light when you know there’s no light in reality? If you’re sure this isn’t a migraine-type visual disturbance, this warrants a visit as a matter of urgency, as would a recent significant increase in bits floating about in your vision.

Going to the optometrist is for most people only an every-other-year kind of a thing - so make the most of your visit with a little forethought. Optometrists are good guys, keen to help with any eye-related problems you might have. Giving them a heads-up about anything unusual you’ve noticed about your vision can sometimes provide an early warning to identify a condition that might be harder to treat further down the line.

Please accept this as intended - general encouragement to look after your eyes, not specific, individual medical advice. And it’s written in the hope of helping you to avoid eye problems, not just to make your optometrist’s job easier - Scout’s honour!

With all my best wishes for life-long good vision

Brendan

A tearful “I feel like I’ve got no option”
eventually becomes a hesitant “maybe I could …” 

Simply seeing some possibility of change can tip the balance decisively.  

It comes from allowing the person to talk through their situation, relationships, fears, traumas or anything else - and really trying to understand why they are thinking the way they are.

There’s no offer of a solution or even any advice - the caller is simply encouraged to use a variety of viewpoints to look at their situation. 

It might take a couple of hours for them to really feel understood - but the process of them explaining how life is for them and how they are feeling, helps clarify things in their own mind.  That can be enough to introduce a bit of much needed perspective.

If their tunnel vision can be opened up, possibilities show themselves - and their focus can move away from the all-consuming thought of ending their life. 

This switching from despair to hope isn’t because a chemical has changed in their brain, or their circumstances have altered. They have just accepted the possibility that things can improve.

Once you believe change is possible, you have the basis for hope. You’ve risen above apathy and despair and you can start to see new possibilities. 

Of course, you don’t have to have reached rock bottom to find a value in hoping for a better future.

Seeing your life as it currently is, but knowing you can change any part of it you want to, is the first and biggest mental shift required on your path to the life you want.

The simple fact that you are reading now shows you are open to the idea that things can change.  This is crucial.

Right now, if you imagine your life as you want it to be (rather than seeing it as it actually is) you set in train a whole series of possibility thought processes.

You understand your situation - warts and all - from a bird’s eye perspective: your living arrangements, finances, personal and business relationships.

Some things may be just fine - but whatever parts are not exactly as you want them to be can be, you can improve on. None of it is set in stone.

It’s entirely up to you if you settle for life as it is, or not. 

A simple decision to create a better future is your catalyst for change. 

You need some ambition to overcome your current obstacles (particularly your self-imposed limits) BUT - becoming overly ambitious in one particular aspect of your life can throw everything else out of balance. And here’s the thing - balance is essential to ensure all your needs (mental, physical and emotional) are met. 

For instance, having a super-fit body doesn’t really qualify as a “win” if it’s caused your personal relationships to fall apart and you’re penniless. 

That’s a first step towards the “positive mental attitude” that encourages you to see opportunities all around.

Just let me take some of the "mumbo jumbo" out of positive thinking before we go any further. For some people, the idea of positive thinking is “all you have to do is to wish, really hard, for something and then it will just drop into your lap”. There are other versions of “the bounteous universe providing just what you want on autopilot” – they are all fairytales. 

A positive mental attitude simply means you are more in tune to the possibilities around you – and that’s it. You still have to push forwards, doing what you need to do, to get what you want. 

So, do you know yet, what it is that you want? 

If so, have you ever written it down? Getting things down on paper is a really big and important step - even if no-one else is ever going to see what you’ve written. 

If you’re still just vaguely wishing for “better”, but not really sure what it is you want – here’s a simple mental image to put you on track: Imagine you are able to go forward in time to meet the “you” of two, or five year’s time. This is the person you see yourself as being at that point – enjoying the improved physical health, better financial situation, happier relationships – whatever it is that you want for yourself. 

So then, having allowed yourself to enjoy this image of “You 2.0” – and you really should enjoy it (revel in it, even!) - you can then start to think about how to get from where you are now (you today) to this new, improved version. 

So, if you see yourself as being fitter, you’ll probably need to think about new workouts. If you see yourself as better off, perhaps you’ll need to work on the business plan. And of course, if you see a much more muscular, or much wealthier “You 2.0”, then you need to factor in a detailed process and a timescale you can believe. But these, for now, are mere details. The point is, if you didn’t know what your idea of success is already, that particular visualisation process is to show you where you’re aiming. 

Because this is all entirely about you. You set the level of “success”. For some people that’s a particular financial situation, for others a happy marriage, or it might be that all you’ve ever really wanted is a healthy, well-adjusted child. It’s your choice – all of it. And how long it’s going to take – that’s up to you, too. What’s important is just to accept that you now know what you want. You also know there will be a way to get there (unless you’re determined to do something that no other human has achieved before, like flying purely through the efforts of their own arms – and here I have to burst your bubble – “you can’t fight the laws of physics, Jim!”) 

So perhaps it’s worth taking a few minutes to write down a bit about the “You 2.0” which you want to become in two or five years or whatever it is? Please, do actually write it down. 

Then take a break.
Go and do something you enjoy. 

The simple act of seeing, in your mind’s eye, what you are going to be like in the future, has given your subconscious a bit of work to do. This isn’t something you need to be concerned about! You’ve started a process that all the quiet computing power in your head will begin piecing together a plan for - while you’re sleeping or daydreaming or just plain busy with other stuff. The plan will come together bit by bit as you’ll find ideas just pop into your head. Give it time and let it happen. 

Keeping a notepad handy (or easy access to the voice recorder on your phone) is pretty useful so you can capture whatever ideas crop up. 

There’s no rush about any of this – but having a rough idea of a timeline is going to keep you on track. A simple example of having a plan is the worldwide phenomenon that is “Couch to 5K” – people make a gentle start and build on that slowly. The incremental progress eventually gets non-running “couch potatoes” fit for a competitive run in a few short weeks. And for many participants, the progress continues all the way up to ultra-marathons – way beyond their original ideas of what was possible. 

Instead of the c25K “so many kilometres walked or run” you’ll have your own signposts along the way. The simple process, though, goes like this: 

• Dream / daydream / visualise! Whatever you want to call it, find the image of what you want to achieve or become. 

• Break the path to this dream down into steps that build easily one onto the next. 

• Set yourself a goal for the end of this week, this month and this year which will lead you inexorably closer to your dreams – even if the dream is so big you know it will take a decade to achieve. 

These are the steps for the big, life-changing goals. 

The smaller “goals” are just a regular “to-do” list like household chores that don’t require anything in the way of dreaming. For the boring but necessary day-to-day stuff - just get on with it! 

One of the secrets of highly successful people is that they aren’t overwhelmed by large projects. They have the ability to break things down into small, simple, do-able steps. Each step builds on the last and significant progress is made within just a few weeks. 

If you can develop this skill, to identify the necessary steps to get from where you are now to the You 2.0 of the future, you are halfway there. 

All that remains is exercising the discipline to stay on track, keep to the schedule and the plan will become reality. 

In summary: 

• Be open to the possibility of a brighter future. 

• Decide what it is you really want - not what you are prepared to settle for. There's a lot of truth in the saying "your yearning power counts for much more than your earning power". 

• Work out the logical steps between your current situation and seeing your dreams become reality. Follow the steps, in order, keeping to the timetable you've set yourself. 

• Start! You've done the visualisation, you know where you want to get to - and only you can make this happen. Nothing changes until you start to put your plan into action. 

• Be disciplined in keeping to the plan. Keep your long-term goal in mind as the "carrot" ahead of you and use each milestone passed as your encouragement that things are getting better. 

• Remember you have an invisible ally - your subconscious. Your subconscious will see possibilities that your waking mind has missed. It will solve problems overnight while you sleep and you will wake with a clearer view of what seemed so difficult to understand just the day before. 

• Sleep is invaluable. Don't think that by sleeping less, you will get more done. Sleep isn't just rest. It isn't something that only the body requires. It's a busy time for your subconscious, it's when some of your knottiest problems become untied - and all on auto pilot.

Oh … and back to the beginning - the one belief that can change your life?  It’s simply knowing: “I can improve things.”

Kindness can be a difficult thing to define, but we all recognise it when we see it:

Someone going out of their way a little bit to give us a lift, or really listening to when we’re struggling, or asking “are you ok?” and then being prepared to spend the time necessary to hear the answer when we’re out of sorts or distressed.

Sometimes, we might feel reluctant to be kind ourselves, because it involves taking a bit of a risk.  After all, we might end up looking a bit silly - or maybe we’ll even provoke a hostile reaction.  

But trying any sort of an icebreaker to get someone to talk, if they look at their wits end, could just save a life.  The Samaritans in the UK are a charity aiming to reduce suicide.  They have an approach in their training manual which simply involves asking “is there anywhere around here to get a coffee?” when encountering someone ill at ease at a railway station.

Thankfully, we’re not often witness to a person contemplating jumping under a train.  It is impossible, though, to know what’s going on in someone else’s head.  If their behaviour is odd, well maybe that’s just their way.  Or - maybe they really aren’t coping.  As long as we approach with a gentle manner and a simple question, we’re unlikely to make things worse.  And if we’ve completely misinterpreted the situation, it is easy enough to apologise for disturbing them and to back off.

It is hard to be kind when we’re in pain, or angry, or feeling hard done to.  But acknowledging our own pain then putting it to one side allows us to be kind anyway.  Sometimes, concentrating on another person’s situation is a useful distraction from our own inner demons. Regardless - it’s so worth it!  Not just to the person whose life is eased by our act of kindness, but indirectly, we too can benefit.

Neuroimagery has shown that the warm glow of kindness is a very real thing.  The reward areas of the brain light up more for genuine acts of altruism than for strategic kindness (where the subject might expect to be rewarded in some way). So our brains recognise something uniquely satisfying about being altruistic.[1]

We humans have a primitive brain (the brain stem and limbic system) which has no concept of any difference between internal thoughts and external actions.  Its processing of signals when we show kindness towards others, is perceived by the “old” brain in the same way as kindness directed to ourselves.  Being kind to others, therefore, provides our unconscious mind with loving messages which can aid healing of our own deep-rooted inner pain.

The other thing that seems self evident about kindness is that it is contagious.  “One good turn deserves another” is a common enough saying, but often tends to imply that the recipient of goodwill returns the favour to the originator … perhaps a better way to show true kindness is the concept of “paying it forward” where a person uninvolved in the initial incident gains some benefit from the kindness of the original recipient of a good deed.

This is what makes the contagion of kindness more far reaching than other human behaviours - like smiling, yawning or laughing.  Anger is, unfortunately, very contagious too.  But most contagious behaviours tend only to have an effect in the immediate surroundings.  Kindness is a behaviour whose contagion can spread far and wide.

Major acts of kindness can resonate in a different country, or even a generation later, when people feel inspired to honour the kindness that had once been shown to them, or even to their forebears.

At its simplest, a kind deed might be no more than a smile of encouragement when someone appears hesitant to ask a question, some appropriate words of advice, or even just appreciation for a job well done.  

We often remember acts of kindness as part of a eulogy - because the most significant acts of kindness are frequently unknown to anyone other than the recipient.  Genuine kindness is not intended to draw attention or gratitude or fame.  It’s easy to tell if something that you’re contemplating comes from a place of kindness, or has an ulterior motive:  

Being kind means that you’re not looking to “profit” in any way from the situation.  You aren’t offering to help push someone’s broken down car because you’re hoping they might offer to buy you a beer  - your motivation is simply to help - and comes from knowing that if say, your sister was in that situation, you’d appreciate it if someone else came to their aid.

If you make kindness your default attitude, you’ll soon realise just how much kindness there is already circulating around the world.  If you go ahead and chip in with your little contribution, you can rest assured that the butterfly effect will greatly magnify your efforts - and someone, somewhere, will feel the benefit, perhaps years from now.  

Mother Teresa encouraged us to “be kind and gentle even under provocation” and explained that “Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” 

Reference: 

1.  https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1053811918307936

– starting tonight

INTRODUCTION

This is a short little report.  It will show you how to fall asleep in ways that you haven’t tried before.  Once you hit on one that works, these words have done their job (for now) – but if that method ever fails in the future, then you can pick this up again and read on, perhaps the next one will do the trick.

Sleep is the most natural thing in the world – so why do we find it elusive sometimes?  You know you want to sleep, but something is getting in the way.  Any one of the simple suggestions that follow will allow you to fall asleep by simply taking away any feeling of struggle.

I’ve written this piece intending for you not to need to read to the end (or to read the references) – I just want to show you how easy it can be to get a good night’s sleep.  That’s it!  Let’s go.

IMPORTANCE OF SLEEP 

You already know how important sleep is – enough said.  (But if you need convincing, there’s a stack of references¹ to prove the point in the section reserved for people who can’t stop reading a book until they’ve soaked up every word it has to offer.)

HOW MUCH SLEEP?

You also probably have a rough idea of how much sleep feels “right” for you (again, references² at the back of the book if you want to know if that’s “normal” or “average”).

So, where the rubber meets the road is – “how can I get to sleep when I feel wide awake but know that if I don’t drop off RIGHT NOW, I won’t get the best out of tomorrow?”

That, my friend, is the problem I intend to solve for you.

THE BASIC, OBVIOUS STUFF YOU PROBABLY ALREADY KNOW

Laying the groundwork as briefly as possible, sleep can be made easier by: 

Exposing yourself to bright sunlight in the morning;

Exercising during the day (but not too close to bedtime);

Having a quiet bedroom (earplugs are available!);

Keeping the lights dim or off (eye masks are available!); 

Minimising the chances of being disturbed (a closed/locked door, phone switched off, everyone else at home knows you’ve gone to bed and expect to be left in peace);

Confidence that your alarm will reliably wake you at the right time (preferably a dedicated alarm, not your mobile phone);

Avoiding a full bladder just before bed (drinking lots of fluids just before going to sleep may wake you during the night for a trip to the bathroom);

A comfortable bed;

Finally and most importantly - a quiet, relaxed mind.  

This is what we are aiming for here.

PREPARATION

There is a little preparation before you turn the light out, but only a few very simple steps.  Using pen and paper, write down any stuff that you didn’t get round to today, that you now plan to do tomorrow instead.  Just brief notes – not big explanations.  And keep the notepad and pen by the bed, just in case you do wake in the night and have any kind of idea which you want to be sure not to forget by the morning.

AND SO, TO SLEEP

So now we’re thinking ahead to when you’re lying down, as many as possible of the outside distractions have been taken care of - and its just you, in the dark, waiting for sleep to come.

1.

This first suggestion is to imagine the voice of James T. Kirk at the start of an episode of the original (and best!) 1960’s Star Trek.  In your best impersonation of his voice, you hear (in the privacy of your head):  “Sleep – the final frontier.  This is the addiction of the human condition.  Tonight’s mission is to go to bed, to put the day behind me and switch off – like every other man has done before.”  If you just can’t conjure up Kirk’s dulcet tones, YouTube has the original soundtrack here³.  (I don’t recommend clicking the link while you’re trying to nod off – the noise of the spaceship shooting past as well as the music is all a bit too rousing for last thing at night.)

2.

That first distraction should’ve served to take your mind off any pressing problem and now it’s time to create some inner coziness.  Counting sheep isn’t a great idea, but counting blessings certainly works - I’d like you to think of three things which happened today for which you feel grateful.  Then, think of three things you did today which you feel glad about.  Feel the gratitude, feel the gladness and just bask in that for a little while.  And don’t forget to smile!  No-one can see you, it’s dark 😉

3.

If your mind is still straying towards stuff that you find stressful – take a moment to turn your worries on their head.  By this, I mean you ask yourself the question “Is this what I want to happen?” and if the answer is “no”, you picture instead what the best possible outcome for that situation could be.  Now enjoy the image of yourself relaxing, savouring the resolution of the problem.

4.

There’s a technique I like to call “summon your allies” and it consists of imagining close friends or relatives standing around your bed as you fall asleep.  You might choose nearly-forgotten figures from your childhood (and this is all very childish, I know – probably akin to a young child being told that their guardian angel is keeping them safe through the night) – but it allows your mind to drift into thinking about who you might want to gather around you.  These are people who you know are on your side – no matter what.  You’ll be thinking of why they are (or were) important to you, perhaps why you felt fortunate for their past kindnesses, how comfortable you feel in their presence.  Feeling safe and secure is a great way to drift off to sleep.

5.

Meditating and sleeping are not the same thing (Duh! I hear you say).  However, the relaxation phase of preparing for either has useful parallels.  This bedtime routine is not about to give away the “secrets” of Transcendental Meditation, just some of the flavour.  Firstly, get comfy.  (I was told not to be too comfortable when I was learning to meditate, in case I would end up in a deep sleep … but that’s exactly what we’re aiming for here.)  It’s a simple process of slowly repeating a mantra.  A nonsense word helps avoid overthinking.  Try “kerringg”, for example.  Slowly repeat it in time with your outbreaths.  That’s it.  Just hear yourself repeat your mantra in your head, slow your breathing, slow the mantra to match …. 

6.

Another mind game you might like to try is imagining yourself gently drifting out of your window, down your street, looking with a bird’s eye view at the quietness and stillness around the neighbourhood.  You effortlessly and aimlessly glide about, maybe at rooftop height or all the way down to your normal eye level.  And you see that the world is ticking along quite nicely without you having to take any sort of control …  and if you want, you can gently return home, see yourself settled in bed, dropping off to sleep.

7.

A variation on this is mentally visiting your “peaceful place”.  This can be anywhere you’ve ever been – recently or many years ago.  Anywhere, in fact that you’ve felt happy or relaxed, caught up in the beauty of the scenery or in any other way feeling comfortable and at home.  Perhaps imagining warm sunshine on your skin, hearing the gentle lapping of waves on the beach.  The picture in your head is just to bring back the powerful sense of relaxation – that all is well and in this safe place is where you can completely let go …

8.

A purely physical relaxation:

Place one hand on your stomach.  Then breathe in through your nose and feel the hand on your stomach rising. Now breathe out through your mouth, squeezing the air out by gently contracting your tummy muscles.  You’ll feel the hand on your stomach move in as you exhale.  Count on the outbreath, deliberately stretching the time to help slow your breathing.9.

Try this “scan” of your body

Lying on your back with your legs uncrossed and arms relaxed at your sides, direct your attention to your breathing.  After a minute or so, start to think about the toes on your right foot. If you feel any tightness, maybe a little wiggle will allow the area to relax.  Then start to concentrate on the sole of your right foot. Let any uncomfortable sensations there ease off either with a slight repositioning or just by deliberately relaxing the area. Take your thoughts to your right ankle and go through the same routine – whatever little adjustments are required, allow each part of your body to relax, moving up your calf, knee, thigh, hip, and then over to your left leg, again working up from the toes. Next, think your way up your torso, through your lower back and tummy, your upper back and chest, your shoulders and into your neck.  Quite often, if done slowly enough, this can produce a very pleasant tingling sensation in the tips of the ears and the top of the head, just before sleep overwhelms you.10.

Worry worms can wait

Worry isn’t about the moment we’re in right now.  It’s about remembering something you’d rather forget, or concern about something that might happen in the future.  Right here, as you fall asleep, safe in bed – this is not the place for anything other than appreciating the moment.  The warmth, the comfort, the feeling that you’ve done your bit today and you deserve to rest – so rest.

11.

Play a “highlight reel” of today’s best bits.

Remember every little kindness that you were shown today.  Say a mental “thank you” to anyone who showed a little extra courtesy or even just shared a smile.  The world is full of people who are not only willing but keen to help your day run a little smoother - the motorist who waved you in front, the exiting customer who held the door open for you as you went into the store.  Enjoy recalling the simple pleasantries that have happened today and savour them as you fall asleep.

12.

If your highlights of the day are a little on the negative side – here’s the thing.  Just let go of grudges.  Forgive yourself for your mistakes and others for theirs.  Put the kindest interpretation that you can on anything that you found less than ideal today.  Let things go.  Feel the weight lift away, safe in the knowledge you no longer have to shoulder that burden.  It’s done.  You can move on.  And you can sleep.

13.

Don’t think of sleep as something that gets in the way of you getting stuff done.  Sleep is essential.  Some high achievers claim “I only need four hours sleep a night” as a real badge of honour.  I’m convinced this, in the long term, is simply not a good thing.  Sir Philip Sidney called sleep "the certain knot of peace … the balm of woe, the poor man's wealth, the prisoner's release".  Sleeping isn’t an indulgence or a weakness – it is absolutely necessary, for you to be able to function at your highest level.  And sleep is inevitable.  No matter if you tried your hardest never to sleep, sleep would eventually come.  All these hints and musings are simply to get you to go to sleep a little sooner than you might otherwise.

14.

Park all your stressors

If you’re having a hard time letting go of some niggle or other, use your mind’s eye to load up all these things into boxes large and small, representative of the problems they contain, then throw them all onto the back of a car.  Take the car for a drive to the edge of town.  Get yourself a taxi home and feel the increasing distance between you and those worries make them seem smaller and less and less significant.  Tell yourself you can always go back for them sometime if needs be – but not now.  Now is the time for sleep.References:

1. All sorts of studies here tell you why sleep is important 

Owens JA, Weiss MR. Insufficient sleep in adolescents: causes and consequences. Minerva Pediatr. 2017;69(4):326‐336. doi:10.23736/S0026-4946.17.04914-3

Capezuti EA. The power and importance of sleep. Geriatr Nurs. 2016;37(6):487‐488. doi:10.1016/j.gerinurse.2016.10.005

Philip P, Taillard J, Micoulaud-Franchi JA. Sleep Restriction, Sleep Hygiene, and Driving Safety: The Importance of Situational Sleepiness. Sleep Med Clin. 2019;14(4):407‐412. doi:10.1016/j.jsmc.2019.07.002

2. Sleep studies – necessary length of sleep (spoiler alert: 7 hours is about right, on average, for adults)

Yang Q, Durmer JL, Wheaton AG, Jackson SL, Zhang Z. Sleep duration and excess heart age among US adults. Sleep Health. 2018;4(5):448‐455. doi:10.1016/j.sleh.2018.07.001

Smiley A, King D, Bidulescu A. The Association between Sleep Duration and Metabolic Syndrome: The NHANES 2013/2014. Nutrients. 2019;11(11):2582. Published 2019 Oct 26. doi:10.3390/nu11112582

Lo JC, Groeger JA, Cheng GH, Dijk DJ, Chee MW. Self-reported sleep duration and cognitive performance in older adults: a systematic review and meta-analysis. Sleep Med. 2016;17:87‐98. doi:10.1016/j.sleep.2015.08.021

3. James T. Kirk introducing Star Trek 

Subscribe now

Build up a bit of strength to make that bucket afraid that when you do finally kick it, you’ll absolutely shatter it

I have friends of my age who seem to have settled for a bit of a slow gradual decline into retirement. I think that this “third age” can be much more than that - physically for sure and quite possibly mentally too.

This is all about maximising physical and mental health.

I won’t be nagging you about diet, fitness, relationships, mindset and sleep … but I will be passing on what’s working for me and what I’ve read up on and feel is worth trying out.